Barry from Tiaro writes:
Dear Dr Prince Alfonse,
...I see that you are a well-groomed and tidy young man. Living in a warmer climate I tend to get dermatitis on a regular basis and don't alway feel as if I'm presenting myself in the best light. I've tried everything: olive oil, mango oil, milkweed, vitamin D- but nothing seems to work. What should I do?
Dr Prince Alfonse writes to Barry:
Barry, I've always found that when a man isn't feeling confident about his appearance- even if he is the rough and ready type, then nothing seems to go right. Now Barry, that doesn't mean you need to change who you are- I have the kind of personality that naturally lends itself to neat well-trimmed nails and that does fine by me. First of all, Barry, you need to have a bit of a think and decide just who "Barry" is; are you "Beefcake Barry", "Brillcream Barry", "Brazen Barry", or "Brokenhearted Barry". Once you've worked this out you have the perfect recipe for working out just what your look is. On the dermatitis issue: I find that a roll in the dirt at least three times a day, plus a quick scootch in some bird poo once a week really does the trick.
5 July 2010:
Kila from Tepko writes:
...Over time I have been less and less interested in eating meat. This is difficult as I live on a sheep farm. It's not that I think that sheep are smart- they're not. Neither are chickens. It's just that, and this will seem strange, it's just so dead when you eat meat. What do you think Dr Prince Alfonse?
Dr Prince Alfonse writes to Kila:
Kila, in answer to your unspoken question- yes you are completely nuts. Of course the meat is dead because you would without any sense of decency or compassion if you ate an animal alive. I agree with you, chickens are stupid, but I think that even they would notice if a wing were missing. So, you have a few options Kila- do something about that queasy feeling you get when you eat and opt to chew on something that's still alive and kicking. If you're not nuts you'll soon understand that slightly queasy is the preferrable option. If you are nuts and you don't mind a little light dinner conversation from your meal, then go find a corner for yourself and chat animatedly while you gnaw on your own elbow. And try to get at least twenty hours of sleep a day. You'll find that your thinking will be so much clearer.
Candice from Engadine writes:
I want to marry someone famous. Like a footballer. If there aren't any footballers then an actor- but one who earns money. I don't want to marry a politician or a golfer.
How doe I go about this, Doctor Prince Alfonse.
Dr Prince Alfonse writes to Candice:
First, I'm not quite sure how golfers and politicians don't fit into the category of being famous. Either you want to marry someone famous or you don't. I didn't see you write- I want to marry someone acceptably famous so I think you need to reassess your goals. Candice, I'm going to be frank- it seems like you want to be with someone who totally takes care of you and who you can boss around. Not in the conventional sense, but someone who is going to work with you to make you look good. I couldn't agree with this more, that's why I'm a dog. I get looked after- my every whim catered for (right now I'm writing this from underneath a featherdown doona, for dinner I had my favourite risotto). So make a list of what you really want- doonas and risotto? Then, use that as your reference for selection-stick to it and you won't go wrong!
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